The least hip thing you can do:

Serve all of your friends and customers something they have terrible childhood memories of. Like beets. You remember. Your first beet (most likely pickled, boiled, or overcooked, or something) is a real formative experience; the earthy, sometimes dirty taste and sweet linger of a beet is kind of unsettling. The pickling kills the deep flavor, boiling rounds it out, roasting concentrates it, and leaving it raw is apparently disgusting, wrong, and absolutely forbidden.

I am of the type that pretty much shoves anything into my mouth raw. I was, however, schooled the other day while cooking with the beautiful and lovely Laura who was crunching on raw sweet potatoes.

Me: “::scoffs:: Can you do that?”
Laura: “Yeah…of course,” like it’s really-really obvious.
Me: “Oh. Okay..ccrcrcr-” shoving sweet potatoes into my mouth a little embarrassed I didn’t think of it first.

It was like a less carroty carrot: sweet, light, crunchy, nothing bitter. Good for a veg platter and ranch. Or aoili…mmm…Let’s not go there yet

With the exception of you RAWists, most people don’t sit around and think about eating raw root vegetables. It’s time to take a page out of the Crazy Vegan’s Handbook for Adventurous Eating: Bust out that overpriced mandolin you haven’t used yet, and let’s get slicing!

I don’t have to tell you that beets are healthy. Or that they cause many young, sexually active individuals to suddenly start trying to figure out who gave them the clap, the herp, or HIV because – holy shit! – MY PISS IS RED! – and there are other frightening human special effects that even I won’t mention here, because they still surprise me. However, they are loaded with Vitamin C, dietary fiber, and antioxidants. If you’re smart, you’d know that those leaves on top of the bunch of beets you bought are also known as Swiss Chard, which are coincidentally fucking delicious. I’ve seen a lady buying bulk leafless beets, and then going and grabbing some Swiss Chard for 2 bucks (or bones, or clams, or whatever you call them). I mean, the sheer audacity of grocers in this day and age.

Beets are not going to become a cornerstone of your diet. They will inevitably get left in your fridge’s veg drawer forgotten and neglected when you get on that “all raw all the time” fad diet you just read about in Righteous Vegan Monthly which inspired you to go buy one bunch of every beet variety at the co-op. In your daily raw vegetable food pyramid, they occupy the “use sparingly” portion. These are easy to overload on. That said, once or twice a week, a Raw Beet Love Slaw can really make life just a bit more delicious, a bit more daring, and a bit moreblood-red for those confined to foods with no bones and livers.

There seems to be a great debate out there in Culinaria regarding peeling beets. You don’t have to peel them. Just scrub hard. Or, peel them if you like – I don’t care. The skin is not going to give you botulism or paralytic shellfish poisoning okay? Look, I’ve been eating beet skins for about 3 years now, and in that time I’ve lost more weight and eaten more lovable, cute furry things than I can remember. It’s the panacea we’ve all been waiting for!

If you’re deathly afraid of beets from some traumatic childhood memory, Jamie (Oliver) has a great roasted beet recipe that turned me back on to beets in the first place, Here it is. For all the rest of you busty broads and hip cats, go here for the real deal: Raw Beet Love Slaw.