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In these trying times, with gas prices out of control, Republican National Conventions following me around (I was coincidentally in NYC last time, and now it’s in MSP), and my business clientèle insisting that $280 is an appropriate amount to pay for a professionally designed, brilliantly coded, search engine visible, CSS/XHTML/AJAXed, content management system ready website, there are two clear and undeniable results:

#1. My bank account would laugh at me, but there aren’t enough dollars in it to even form a patronizing smirk.
#2. I need to drink. Like, all the time.

I’m a huge fan of really delicious booze like subregional Bordeaux, Oregon Pinot, German Beer, Cognac, Single Malt Whiskeys, and when I’m feeling lonely or need to write, Finlandia Cranberry (but, that’s another blog). There is an inherent conflict in needing to medicate heavily with alcohol due to a lack of cash, and having a lack of cash due to medicating with alcohol, which causes a need to medicate (with alcohol) that lack of cash caused by the medicating of the previous lack with copious amounts of hooch.

Believe it or not there is an answer; well, there are two. The first is AA, and let’s face it, that’s just no fun, so for the bright light at the end of the bottle, we must look south of the Mason-Dixon Line.

Despite the national reputation for inracing and horsebreeding, Kentucky has produced a godsend of a product for our ailing American nerves: Bourbon. It’s smooth, it’s sweet, light and mixable, good on the rocks, good with a splash of soda, killer with some muddled mint and sugar, great with coke (and what isn’t?), and has a utility to price ratio that’s off the fucking charts.

That means it’s got serious bang for buck.

If you’re curious about how it’s made, check out wikipedia.

Being the lush that I am, I took on the arduous task of drinking a shitload of Bourbon from different producers, of varying quality, and have assessed their price to delic-intoxi-cacity ratios.

Down and out Bourbons:

You’re poor as fuck, and you need to get drunk. But Nate! you say, I’m not an alcoholic! Riiiight. I only drink top quality liquor because it tastes good. Well, you can further delude yourself by drinking these fine Bourbons ‘because I like the taste‘.

Evan Williams: This blended bourbon is probably the best value on the market. Usually around 9-12 dollars a liter, Mr Williams is a good for all purposes. I prefer it on the rocks with the rest of the bottle as a chaser. This is my current hard times go-to Bourbon.

Jim Beam: I’m not thrilled about Beam. There is another product made by Jim Beam Distillers (we’ll get there later) which is fucking awesome, but Beam is good for one thing only: Beam and Coke. And, now that I think about it, it’s great for that purpose – better than other Bourbons. If you need to mix every liquor you drink with Coke, get Beamed.

Old Grand Dad Bonded (Also called OGD): At a blinding 50% alcohol, this Bourbon is that mean, old Southern Grandpappy of yours who always loved to spank you. Even when you were being good. Originally produced as a medicinal whiskey, it’s now fucking huge, and consequently owned by the Beam. Fucking Beam. That said, if you’re an angry drinker, takes shots of OGD. You’ll fee the pain my friend.

The “Why do these cost so much money?” List

Elijah Craig 12yr: Well, at about $22-$25 for a 750ml, I don’t exactly call this a bargain. More like a waste of a possible TWO BOTTLES OF EVAN WILLIAMS! It’s overly saturated with oak flavor, too cinnamony/clovey/oaky, unbalanced, a bit too sweet. You know, probably good with Coke. But then again, bull-market stock brokers are good with coke, so why would you trust anything that only functions well under that influence, soda or otherwise.

Bulleit: At $19 for 750, you don’t feel terrible about buying it, but you certainly don’t feel good. Let me put it this way: If you mix in some Evan Williams Blended with Bulleit, it tastes way better. ::scoff:: The things I endure for the sake of research.

Knob Creek: Oh shut up! I like Knob Creek. But why the hell does it cost $30+ a 750? Ooooooh, small batch. Ooooooooh craft. I don’t give a shit. There are better Bourbons for FAR less money. That said, if your flush and simply out to support the local Jim Beam Foundation for We Own Bourbon County, it makes a great Bourbon Manhattan.

The A List

Woodford Reserve: The reigning heavyweight of value and superior craftsmanship, Woodford Reserve is fucking where it’s at. I’m a man who likes Cognac, remember? That means I like an artful balance of texture, sweetness, oak, and base ingredient characteristics. Woodford has outperformed almost every other bourbon in the straight up, on the rocks, Mint Julep, and Bourbon Manhattan test. Ben found a joint in SAV, MN that sells it for $24. It screams top shelf with it’s smoothness and composition. For the richer, darker varieties of Bourbon, this is the king of affordable luxury liquor.

Evan Williams Single Barrel (Vintaged): Coming in at a close second, Evan Williams Single Barrel is analogous in quality to Woodford Reserve. It is however, a completely different product. EWSB is way lighter in color and flavor, velvety smooth, refreshing, and in arguably superior in some ways. It lacks the flavors typical of more heavily fired oak barrels, and instead gives a gentle, subtle profile of leather and apple. Very Autumnal. It lends itself to sipping, rocking, and Manhattaning. By far the best value at $22.

So my patriotic Americans, as our dollar takes a vacation from having value, drinking our own world class liquors produced in the finest tradition is in order. Just don’t drink too much bourbon with your opposite-sex family members. There are only so many Kentucky traditions we should embrace.

In a shocking turn of events, instead of delivering a over-sexualized and unnecessarily dramatic article about some great raw vegetable while hypocritically bashing rawist vegans, I’m going to let someone else lecture you. Michael Pollan wrote the very popular The Omnivore’s Dilemma, and he was Youtubed by someone at a recent Authors @ Google lecture series. It is, like, 37 minutes of him talking before Q&A – a bit longer than the normal internettention span. However, if you can get away with pissing 37 minutes away at work without getting caught, check this shit out. It’s embedded below.

Some of my favorite quotes:

(referring to American eating culture) Orthorexia – An unhealthy obsession with healthy eating.

We have as many neurons in our digestive system as we do in our spinal column. (Nate sez: That’s fucking amazing, so it’s true that I think with my stomach!)